So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
