his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
