i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
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I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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