I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
