that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
