I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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