I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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