More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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