Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
