Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
