should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
