I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
