24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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