I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
