Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
