I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
