Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
