At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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