Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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