Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think my fart just growled at me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
