I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism