You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
