i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
True college students do jello shots in the library
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