I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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