I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
