So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
