Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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