3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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