I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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