I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
