last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
MIDGETS
????
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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