So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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