She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
