this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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