In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
