Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
