dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
