this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
