I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
