He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
