Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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