I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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