so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Best friends brother. Beat that.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
