he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
