i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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