Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm jealous of your bromance
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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