Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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