Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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