Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Still dying that you shit outside
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
