I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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