I don't usually arrange sex via text message
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
