i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
