Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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