My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
