Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
