Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
