I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You don't make any sense
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