dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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