A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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