I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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