So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
