Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Boobs are out for the taking
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
